The Necessary Nudist!

I hate and always have hated clothes shopping. I know, I know! I can hear you yelling in disbelief at me but I can’t help it. Shopping is boring, yes, your heard right – shopping is boring!

It is especially boring if you have to go and buy something for a special occasion. Now I have a uniform. Its jeans and a T-shirt in summer or jeans and a jumper in winter. I do have more that one set of clothes – I have to have something to wear while the first lot is in the washing machine, I am not entirely stupid (contrary to public opinion).

The problem with shopping is, if I see something that I really like and that fits and looks ok, then invariably it is going to be out of my price range. Ergo, anything in my price range doesn’t fit and looks grim, therefore why bother. I only bother because, although I am not against joining a nudist colony, I really feel the cold.

What I want to know is who actually designs all the clothes in the shops. I think there is a set pool of designers made up of people who are very good at making money, people who are very good at brainwashing other people and another set of people who don’t know what they are doing but think they do!

Lets take an example. When did you actually last see an old lady with a blue rinse? No I thought so, not for about thirty years and so why then, do they still make ghastly looking dresses made out of patterned material that you wouldn’t line a dog kennel with? In one shop recently I saw a dress with large mauve and green swirls (it looked as though the wearer had been using a food processor on beetroot and cabbage and the lid came off) and it was pleated at the waist (90 and pregnant?) and this was a “fashionable” high street store. Just what are they thinking? The other dresses could have been used as uniforms in the local building society!

Sometimes if I really do have to find something, I strike lucky and find the perfect dress or skirt – and its in my price range – and I like it! The problem comes when I try it on. I’m a size 14 and the fit is ok – except – where is the bottom of the dress? It stops just below my bottom, or if I am lucky, halfway between my bottom and my knees. Now the teen part of me thinks this is great. I loved the mini skirt – I had loads of them but somehow a mini skirt on the “silver” part of me just doesn’t work. Although my legs are still holding me up and can look a lot better in black tights there is still something sad about a 70-year-old in a mini skirt. So my heart is saying “yes, yes you look great” but my head is yelling “don’t be a moron!” Luckily my head wins the battle and I go off and find a nice pair of jeans.

It’s the same with buying tops. Now this may come as a shock to some of you, and I don’t want you to get upset, but wobbly arms and wrinkly skin WILL be yours at some point. It only gets bad when you point left to something and the rolls of wobbly flesh go right! Then it can be more noticeable. I am not what you would call “well endowed” In fact you could almost say my shoulder blades are larger than my boobs and its possible I could look as though I am going backwards. I don’t like high-necked clothes even in winter but there seems to be nothing between high-necked and open to the waist!. What looks good on other people tends to look like a bin bag on me.

Sometimes when I’m out and about I see the perfect outfit for me. The trouble is it’s usually on someone walking past. I have actually been know to stop someone in the street and say “I hope you don’t mind my asking but where did you get your top, it looks fab” Most people are too taken aback to be upset and I have the information and I’m off before they get to think about it.

I think the only solution is to design my own, but then I would have to make them and that’s where it would all go wrong. And so I am destined to long miserable trips around the shops hoping I may just trip over something I can wear. I think my husband has it right when he says, we are getting old, get used to it! He’s right – Its not the clothes that matter, it’s the smile that makes the sun shine and the laughter that sounds church bells. It’s who we are that’s important and so fellow wrinklies, when you enter a room, let them see your personality first before they notice your clothes or alternatively, wear fancy dress!

I’m looking at food next time!

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